where are you God? Why don't i have time to breathe anymore? i thought you said you'd bless me, i thought you had plans for me, did you forget?? did you change your mind? Where are you? why don't i have any friends STILL?? Why am i slipping back into my old habits? Why didn't you give me the perfect job? I thought you'd be here, where are you?
that was me during the last 9 days or so...maybe even before my last blog....God blessed me with a 3rd job and i was estatic, FINALLY some money....but then all of a sudden, i didn't have any energy, i didn't have time to breathe, to live...i still didn't have any friends and missed church a few times; soon i didn't have time to read the bible any more...then i regressed into someone i had hoped was long gone...my language suffered, my mind suffered, my attitude changed...joy became less and less apart of me and i became angry easier....whoa whoa whoa...all of this in the last 9 days??....no, it's been accumulating i think and i just noticed it.....sunday ish
what happened?? Where did God go?? ......oh keitha, you and your stupid questions
but seriously that's what i thought up until...mmm....now.....i knew in my head that God hadn't gone anywhere but my soul surely felt alone and far from its creator and it couldn't figure out what it had done wrong (the dichotomy betwixt mind/heart/soul is so funny....of course your mind can know something, but until your heart and soul know it too, it's like trying to put a magnet on something plastic...it doesn't stick)....
a few days ago i was really frustrated and was writing in my journal (as i am wont to do on occasions), well actually, i was complaining in my journal, and it hit me..."keitha, don't blame me for this valley, i haven't left your side for a moment".....
oops, sorry God...i put the blame on the wrong person....again...it's so easy to think yourself exempt from everything...taking responsibility for you own actions and seeing how the consequences are your fault is tough and often, i often overlook my part in situations...yeah boo human nature
*ahem* but now onto the body of this piece:
if something doesn't happen right away, i tend to think that ppl either A) forgot about it or B) decided against it.....for example: someone wants to make plans to do something with me and at first it's like "YEAH we totally should"...but then they don't mention something for awhile and then i think "ok they forgot or just don't want to anymore....no big deal"...i'm the type of person that plans, writes myself notes, and likes things to happen...mmm...NOW or as close to now as is possible (or to the planned date)...lol yes, my punctuality and hatred towards all things late is well known in my group of friends....(sigh) sorry guys, i really am working on this....i allow myself to only be 5 min early for work and if i see that i'm leaving earlier than i should...i make myself wait till the correct time....yeah i know, it needs more work
but anyways...so with that being said (it's redundant i'm sorry, i honestly think i mention something like that in every blog...lol but moving on) i KNOW that there's something planned for me...i've been prophesized over and ppl have told me their thoughts and yes, God has spoken to me many times about this "plan" and the gifts that i have that were designed for it... but quite frankly i was/am beginning to think that God not only forgot and/or decided against it...but that he was starting to forget about me....like i was one of those prototype droids that were too cost inefficient and thus disbanded....(lol yes i just used the word "droid")...see, nothing has happened to further this plan (yes i have somewhat of an idea) but it seems that ppl are living their "God-dreams" and are learning things and becoming more equipped for their mission and here i am in WV working 7 days a week and not even able to go to a normal sunday morning church service.....how is God supposed to use me like this?...i'm not connected with other believers, i haven't heard a sermon in two weeks, and i'm becoming *gasp* somewhat of an introvert......
anyways so there's a taste of my thoughts....but the real reason for writing this long winded post is this....the theme for this summer
"I am Here"-God
yep that's it...He hasn't forgotten about me, He hasn't left me (or any of you who feel/felt similiar to me)....it is I, rather, that have gotten distracted and have taken my focus off of what I know.....i got so distracted by the questions that i lost sight of the fact that those don't matter...the question "when?" has no meaning to me b/c idk when, but i do know that "the plan" will take place sometime and that during this time i'm to be diligent and to be staying FOCUSED on what i know and that is this:
-He has a plan
-He loves me
-He's my refuge
-He hasn't forgotten me and never will
-He is here...always
-He will take care of the "how" and the "what" and the "who" and all those other annoying questions concerning my future...i just have to give it all to him and realize that i can't do anything without his guidance
hmm have i said more than half of that before?? yeah probably.....sorry, redundancy is the way i learn so it's the way i seem to blog....life is cyclical for me and i find it rather annoying :-P but well...that's how it goes
the end
2 comments:
oh keitha, i love your long winded ramblings more than you know. one way or another, i find a point that stands out to me like a sore thumb. even though you may not think life has handed you the best batch of apples right now, i still envy you, your loyalty to god and your constant refusal to just give up and give in. you are strong. that's what i admire most. love always,
jenn
Keitha!! I love you!!! I just read your blog, it is sooo true... actually that accident I was in taught me A LOT.. 1) James 4:13-15 talks about doing things if it is God's will and not making plans... well I get into the habit of doing what I want to do and not considering at all what God wants (for life and all) and so that taught me a lot... 2) God was telling me not to go down the dirt road but I decided to because it is quicker and it's the way I always do things... even though I felt strongly that I shouldn't go that way... and well I guess if I don't listen to God, it can result in bad things 3) I don't always need to be in a hurry to do something or get somewhere. 4) I realized how much a lot of people met to me and I was scared out of my mind just before I hit the truck... I'm sure there's more I learned but that's what I know right now...
thanks for your concerns though and I will be ever so careful going back... I'm buying a car tomorrow afternoon and heading back Tuesday. Alisha is going back with me... and I LOVE GOD!! and I love you... thanks.
Amber D
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